Goodbye, first decade of the 2000′s. It’s been nice knowing ya, but I think it’s best if you and I part ways…for good. We sure had some great times – having babies, starting a business – but you were also the era of bummed-outedness for me. I gave up a lot of myself over the past 10 years. I forgot who I was. I was so focused on my family and my work and being all things to all people…all people except myself. I forgot what makes me happy and in the process became incredibly unhappy.
I spent many of the last 10 years depressed – not a widely known fact among people close to me. And now, on the eve of a new decade, I’ve decided to bury it with the last ten years and look ahead.
It started in early 2001
I suspect I had post-partum depression after my first son was born in ’01. Lots of crying. This feeling of a complete loss of freedom. I just thought it was normal behavior. I never felt ill-will toward my son. I was just kinda down, blue. After baby #2 in ’02, I felt pretty good. I had things under control. When he was about 6 months old, my company told me my job in Orange County, CA was moving back to Detroit, MI. We signed the paperwork. We were headed back to the Midwest. Less than 24-hours after committing to move back I got a call from my husband saying he was promoted to COO of his company. We stayed here, and I decided to start my own work gig. I got a project right away, but it meant driving an 1.5 hours in each direction almost ever day. And, the company was nutty. It was tough. I spent a lot of time working and away from my family. I was completely stressed out. I lost about 15 pounds. That project ended and things got better. But now I was traveling to Austin, TX every other week. The stress and anxiety were still there.
Around 2005
We moved homes. I got pregnant again in very late 2005 and in ’06 we had a baby girl – a truly blessed occasion. But, I was working for myself when this baby was born. No 4-month maternity leave for me. 7 days after having my third c-section (3 days after leaving the hospital) I was presenting to a client. Did I mention that my two boys had started school that very week – one started Kindergarten and one started pre-school? Did I also mention that we have no family whatsoever in CA and that we did not have a nanny? I was exhausted. It took me 4 months to heal from my c-section incision. I was doing too much. My boys went to separate schools. Some days I would need to take my daughter’s heavy infant carrier in and out the car 8 times…just to get my boys to school and back. That’s why the wound didn’t heal. And, I was still working. Full-tilt. 60 hour weeks. There was no time for anything but caring for kids and clients. I can honestly say it SUCKED. I sank. Deep. (OK, so this is where I interject to address those of you who look at my story thus far and say, “What the hell’s wrong with her? She should be happy she had three healthy children and had work.” You are right, and that’s the point. I should’ve been happy but I wasn’t.)
2008
When my daughter was about 18 months old, it all came to a head. I was miserable and irritable. I began to yell a lot at my kids. I didn’t want to be around my husband. I would avoid him. I could not have fun no matter how hard I tried. I lost all ability to enjoy anything. I would go days without even smiling. My hair was falling out by the handfuls. I couldn’t sleep. I was anxious. I’d wake up at 3am and my mind wouldn’t stop moving – so much anxiety, so many thoughts and worries. The more tired I was, the more irritable I became. It was a vicious spiral downward.
At around this time I read the novel Eat, Pray, Love (a book I highly recommend). It’s autobiographical and the main character in the book is really depressed. Reading her story made me recognize my own depression.
One day, as I was getting ready for bed, my husband was asking me, very concerned, why I was in such a bad mood all of the time. I just remember thinking to myself, “I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.” And, that feeling of not being able to enjoy anything was so strong and overwhelming, it scared me. I never contemplated suicide, but I did understand how depressed people get to a point when anything is better than feeling that bad. That’s when I went and saw a psychiatrist and got myself some help.
The Shrink put me on anti-depressants. Within a few weeks, I was starting to feel much more normal. I was smiling. I was interested in listening to music and interested in cooking again (two things I used to love before I got all mopey). Things that would have made me angry before just rolled off of me like water off a duck’s tail. I began blogging, which I think was really been better than therapy for me. It became an outlet, but more importantly, it was ALL MINE – no kids, no husband, no clients. Just me writing about whatever I pleased. I was on the happy pills for 9 months, went off them over a year ago and have been doing great ever since.
The reason for this post
I’m spilling this all to just get it out there and move on. But, I’m also doing it because I do not only believe, but I know, that a lot of women feel the way I did. IT IS NOT NORMAL. Life is too short to be sad and unable to live in the moment. Motherhood is hard, but it can be hard AND fun at the same time.
But, HERE’S THE BIG “A-HA!” I figured out how NOT to get into that situation again. And, I think whether you are depressed or not this is good advice for you. You need to make yourself a priority. You need to NOT lose yourself to your family, your work. You have to have interests and experiences that live outside of your mom world. Clearly, this isn’t rocket science and we’ve all heard it before. But, we really have to do it.
Take a class that interests you, join a book club, schedule a night or a day or several days away from your family, run off to see a concert, be spontaneous. And, you don’t always have to do things separate from your family (although I do believe some non-family time is essential), just do what you love and drag them along. Be interesting. Don’t sacrifice who you are. Don’t go through life not being your authentic self. If you need to take the pills to get you to a place that allows you to make yourself a priority, then do it. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. And know that you don’t have to be on them forever.
Being YOU will make you happier. It will make you a better parent and wife. (I honestly wonder how many marriages end because one spouse is depressed and doesn’t seek help).
So, 2000-2009, may you rest in peace. You taught me much, but I am looking ahead to the next decade…of happiness.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
December 31st, 2009 at 9:36 am
Andrea, I am writing through tears. You are brave and so generous to share your story and sage advice. Here’s to a FANTASTIC 2010++ for you!! And please call me if you ever feel the need to take a happy pill…I will always provide a shoulder (or maybe a couple glasses of water if you have 2 pills, depending on the day). LOVE YOU!! KS
December 31st, 2009 at 10:11 am
AMEN! I’ve been like this too.
After a rather crappy November and December, I am ready to move on. I have had some drama at work lately, and I’m completely over it. I’m looking into some other things and also refocusing….we are a parallel path, my friend.
December 31st, 2009 at 11:15 am
Thank you for sharing. I’ve suffered depression in the past and now, pregnant with my first child, often wonder if it will appear post-birth. Your post really makes the point of taking care of yourself. You can’t have a happy family without a happy mom.
December 31st, 2009 at 11:20 am
Great post! I have 2 kids now that are 21 mos and 10 mos and the third is due in March, I have a consulting job and I blog…I was not anxious when #2 came so quickly as #1 had been an easy baby and I thought I could handle it well….but with #3 I”m fully aware and entering with open eyes and am more than a little anxious on how to handle it all! Thank you for a post that shows you can make it through! I hope your 2010 begins a new decade of happy, wonderful years!!
December 31st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Andrea, you put into words what so many of us have felt and thought was “normal”. Depression can kill your spirit, your marriage, and your family. It took the “accidental” overdose of our child for us to recognize the insidious nature of depression (we were all stressed, depressed, and angry for different reasons) and seek family therapy. Here’s to a happier decade for all of us!
December 31st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Andrea,
Thank you for your blog. There is no limit to how many burdens working moms can place on ourselves. The trouble is, the more we take on, the more our perspective becomes compromised. And I wish you much happiness in the next decade, with your family and your career.
December 31st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Man, this could be my post. Because of you, I fell more prepared to enter a new year with a new outlook. Thank you for making my day and my year.
December 31st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Been there, felt that. Good to know that others have been thru it, too. High stress career, busy and involved social life, kids, church, hubby… it can all overwhelm you. Especially when you are trying to do everything “right”. I cried for no reason and contemplated divorcing my spouse (who is terrific, by the way). But I finally got the happy pills (just a few months untily head cleared) and started realizing that life is messy and imperfect, as am I. So best to just embrace it all and keep moving forward. Good luck to all you other moms out there!
December 31st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Been there, felt that. Good to know that others have been thru it, too. High stress career, busy and involved social life, kids, church, hubby… it can all overwhelm you. Especially when you are trying to do everything “right”. I cried for no reason and contemplated divorcing my spouse (who is terrific, by the way). But I finally got the happy pills (just a few months until my head cleared) and started realizing that life is messy and imperfect, as am I. So best to just embrace it all and keep moving forward.
December 31st, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Andrea – I completely understand what you went through. I am battling depression myself, but mine is more chronic. In looking back on my life, I have been suffrering from it since I was about 18. My turning point came in Oct. 2007 and I have been doing much better since. I still have my moments but I think everyone does. Thanks for you post. It’s a good reminder that there are others dealing with the same issues and we need to band together for support!
December 31st, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Thanks for being so open Andrea. You are so right about how we need to do interesting things for ourselves. My grandma passed away a few weeks ago at age 89, and I keep thinking about some of our last visits, where all I would talk about was the kids, until she finally asked me – “So how’s your social life?” and I really didn’t have much to say. Here’s to a new year! (And I’m so glad that blogging you is giving you an outlet for you and you alone. I completely agree with you there!)
January 3rd, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Thank you all so much for your comments. I’ve also received many direct emails and responses from people who’ve read this post – either to offer support or to share they’ve been in the same situation. You women are amazing! I’m speechless (for once).
January 7th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Way super proud of you for putting this all out there.
January 9th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Thanks so much for writing this post! I know so many women (myself included) who are ecstatic to see the ’00s done and over with. Here’s to manifesting a much better decade for ourselves!
January 14th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Just read this, and thanks for putting it out there. Brave and inspiring. We always think everyone around us has it all together, but ourselves. Love the realness and how you’re putting yourself first more. As you should, you rock, sista.
January 20th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Thanks for writing this and bringing it out in the open. I have been through this during the past year and came to the same conclusions. Recently I have taken more time for myself and felt better as a result. Thanks you for sharing.
January 22nd, 2010 at 4:56 am
Hello
This is a great and inspiring post.I completely agree with your perspectives about Motherhood.You are absolutely right that Being YOU will make you happier.There’s nothing wrong with just being yourself,that’s more than enough.Thank you very much for this nice post.
March 17th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
I just found your blog and it’s wonderful. I can totally relate to this entry. I love your advice to “do what you love and drag them along.” Excellent suggestion.
June 13th, 2010 at 4:09 am
great job…
You are doing a great job at your blog, man. I have been always a reader of your blog….
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Wonderful site, where did you come up with the information in this article? I’m happy I found it though, ill be checking back soon to see what other articles you have.
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:43 pm
As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you!Have you ever considered adding more videos to your blog posts to keep the readers more entertained? I mean I just read through the entire article of yours and it was quite good but since I’m more of a visual learner,I found that to be more helpful well let me know how it turns out!
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:44 pm
I was wondering if you ever considered changing the layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Thanks for writing this. I really feel as though I know so much more about this than I did before. Your blog really brought some things to light that I never would have thought about before reading it. You should continue this, Im sure most people would agree youve got a gift.
July 24th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Lots of specialists claim that business loans aid people to live their own way, because they are able to feel free to buy needed goods. Moreover, different banks offer short term loan for different classes of people.
August 27th, 2010 at 2:33 am
One of the more impressive blogs Ive seen. Thanks so much for keeping the internet classy for a change.
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:15 pm
After read your post,i have learned a lot,thank you.