Hip Moms Who Work

“I don’t need to study for the spelling test, Mom, because I’m too smart.” That’s what my eldest son said to me last week.  I was shocked. He’s such a humble kid.  And, not a dumb by any stretch, but he ain’t no Albert Einstein. What’s up with the arrogance, bub? Where’s this attitude coming from? 

The entire scene made me reflect on how we’re raising (and praising) our kids. I’m not really the type who lavishes praise on her children. I think it should be used sparingly. But, I do recall telling J on more than one…ok, maybe several occasions that he’s “smart”. Usually it’s done in the context of a homework assignment or test without any mistakes, but it’s apparently gone to his head. And he has a big head, literally. I had a c-section because of that sucker. Don’t need it getting any bigger.

But, haven’t we all read the parenting books and magazines about encouraging our kids and praising them?  Were they wrong? I wanted to look into any studies that follow the effects of praise. I found one study done a couple of years ago that was published in the journal Child Development.  Subsequently this study was repeated around the world with children from all socio-economic groups. The results were consistent.  Here’s the skinny:

• For the study, researchers took a 128 5th-grade students and separated them into two groups and gave the a simple IQ test.  One group was told they did really well and must be very “smart”. The other group was told they did really well and must have “worked hard”.
• When asked if they wanted to take a harder test, of the group praised for their effort, 90% wanted to try a more difficult exam. Those praised for intelligence were reluctant to take another test.
• Many of the kids who were labeled “smart” performed worst of all. 
• “Harder workers” understood they could do better by working harder, but the “smart” kids thought they should do well without expending any effort.

The big conclusion is that children’s performance worsens if they hear how smart they are. Kids who are given too much praise have a harder time in life – less likely to take risks, have difficulty coping with failure and give up when faced with a challenge.

So, next time you want to give mad props to your child, get smart and praise their effort and not their “smarts” or you may risk doing more harm than good.