Goodbye, first decade of the 2000’s. It’s been nice knowing ya, but I think it’s best if you and I part ways…for good. We sure had some great times – having babies, starting a business – but you were also the era of bummed-outedness for me. I gave up a lot of myself over the past 10 years. I forgot who I was. I was so focused on my family and my work and being all things to all people…all people except myself. I forgot what makes me happy and in the process became incredibly unhappy.
I spent many of the last 10 years depressed – not a widely known fact among people close to me. And now, on the eve of a new decade, I’ve decided to bury it with the last ten years and look ahead.
It started in early 2001
I suspect I had post-partum depression after my first son was born in ‘01. Lots of crying. This feeling of a complete loss of freedom. I just thought it was normal behavior. I never felt ill-will toward my son. I was just kinda down, blue. After baby #2 in ‘02, I felt pretty good. I had things under control. When he was about 6 months old, my company told me my job in Orange County, CA was moving back to Detroit, MI. We signed the paperwork. We were headed back to the Midwest. Less than 24-hours after committing to move back I got a call from my husband saying he was promoted to COO of his company. We stayed here, and I decided to start my own work gig. I got a project right away, but it meant driving an 1.5 hours in each direction almost ever day. And, the company was nutty. It was tough. I spent a lot of time working and away from my family. I was completely stressed out. I lost about 15 pounds. That project ended and things got better. But now I was traveling to Austin, TX every other week. The stress and anxiety were still there.
Around 2005
We moved homes. I got pregnant again in very late 2005 and in ‘06 we had a baby girl – a truly blessed occasion. But, I was working for myself when this baby was born. No 4-month maternity leave for me. 7 days after having my third c-section (3 days after leaving the hospital) I was presenting to a client. Did I mention that my two boys had started school that very week – one started Kindergarten and one started pre-school? Did I also mention that we have no family whatsoever in CA and that we did not have a nanny? I was exhausted. It took me 4 months to heal from my c-section incision. I was doing too much. My boys went to separate schools. Some days I would need to take my daughter’s heavy infant carrier in and out the car 8 times…just to get my boys to school and back. That’s why the wound didn’t heal. And, I was still working. Full-tilt. 60 hour weeks. There was no time for anything but caring for kids and clients. I can honestly say it SUCKED. I sank. Deep. (OK, so this is where I interject to address those of you who look at my story thus far and say, “What the hell’s wrong with her? She should be happy she had three healthy children and had work.” You are right, and that’s the point. I should’ve been happy but I wasn’t.)
2008
When my daughter was about 18 months old, it all came to a head. I was miserable and irritable. I began to yell a lot at my kids. I didn’t want to be around my husband. I would avoid him. I could not have fun no matter how hard I tried. I lost all ability to enjoy anything. I would go days without even smiling. My hair was falling out by the handfuls. I couldn’t sleep. I was anxious. I’d wake up at 3am and my mind wouldn’t stop moving – so much anxiety, so many thoughts and worries. The more tired I was, the more irritable I became. It was a vicious spiral downward.
At around this time I read the novel Eat, Pray, Love (a book I highly recommend). It’s autobiographical and the main character in the book is really depressed. Reading her story made me recognize my own depression.
One day, as I was getting ready for bed, my husband was asking me, very concerned, why I was in such a bad mood all of the time. I just remember thinking to myself, “I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.” And, that feeling of not being able to enjoy anything was so strong and overwhelming, it scared me. I never contemplated suicide, but I did understand how depressed people get to a point when anything is better than feeling that bad. That’s when I went and saw a psychiatrist and got myself some help.
The Shrink put me on anti-depressants. Within a few weeks, I was starting to feel much more normal. I was smiling. I was interested in listening to music and interested in cooking again (two things I used to love before I got all mopey). Things that would have made me angry before just rolled off of me like water off a duck’s tail. I began blogging, which I think was really been better than therapy for me. It became an outlet, but more importantly, it was ALL MINE – no kids, no husband, no clients. Just me writing about whatever I pleased. I was on the happy pills for 9 months, went off them over a year ago and have been doing great ever since.
The reason for this post
I’m spilling this all to just get it out there and move on. But, I’m also doing it because I do not only believe, but I know, that a lot of women feel the way I did. IT IS NOT NORMAL. Life is too short to be sad and unable to live in the moment. Motherhood is hard, but it can be hard AND fun at the same time.
But, HERE’S THE BIG “A-HA!” I figured out how NOT to get into that situation again. And, I think whether you are depressed or not this is good advice for you. You need to make yourself a priority. You need to NOT lose yourself to your family, your work. You have to have interests and experiences that live outside of your mom world. Clearly, this isn’t rocket science and we’ve all heard it before. But, we really have to do it.
Take a class that interests you, join a book club, schedule a night or a day or several days away from your family, run off to see a concert, be spontaneous. And, you don’t always have to do things separate from your family (although I do believe some non-family time is essential), just do what you love and drag them along. Be interesting. Don’t sacrifice who you are. Don’t go through life not being your authentic self. If you need to take the pills to get you to a place that allows you to make yourself a priority, then do it. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. And know that you don’t have to be on them forever.
Being YOU will make you happier. It will make you a better parent and wife. (I honestly wonder how many marriages end because one spouse is depressed and doesn’t seek help).
So, 2000-2009, may you rest in peace. You taught me much, but I am looking ahead to the next decade…of happiness.
